I Wonder…

I wonder wonder who, who wrote the book of love so many things! My husband even teases me saying he’s going to buy me a shirt with the phrase “I wonder” on it. There’s probably not a day that goes by that the phrase doesn’t come out of my mouth at least once. Oftentimes it’s a rhetorical question that spills out of my mouth instead of maintaining residence in my head. (That could be a whole ‘nother blog post – the things that spill out instead of staying safely tucked inside!)

Just wondering | r/BikiniBottomTwitter | SpongeBob SquarePants | Know Your  Meme
I mean – it’s a valid question!

We all wonder about many things in life. For me, the thing that I had been wondering about the most lately was whether God loved me. Me- Jeannie Marie Sollie – the individual. Sure, I believed God loved the world as a whole, but did He really love me? I won’t get into details of all of the stuff that led to my questioning His love, but it was an agonizing time. It was also a lonely time. Not only did I not feel in fellowship with God anymore, but I isolated myself so much because I couldn’t/wouldn’t say what I was feeling. I wasn’t honest about my struggle.

Let me say one thing now – isolation is a tactic of Satan’s. Yes, it is hard to open up and share your struggles, your failures, your shame. It is hard when you’re an active member in a good church to say “Hey – that love of God that I profess to believe in? I’m questioning it right now.” Here’s the thing – you don’t have to stand up in the middle of the sanctuary and spill your guts to the whole church, but you do need someone in your life that you trust enough to share those things with.

If you feel you don’t have someone like that in your life ask God for someone to come alongside you, someone you can be accountable to, someone that will not shame you but encourage and uplift you and pray for you. Ask Him to bring to mind someone that can fill that role in your life. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have someone like that in your life! Proverbs 17:17 says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.” We are not meant to go through hard times alone.

We were designed for fellowship. Hebrews 10:24-25 admonishes us on the importance of being part of a church body as believers. “And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works, not staying away from our worship meetings, as some habitually do, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” We need that encouragement all the time, but even more so when we’re going through hard times in life. And let’s be real – who hasn’t been through at least one hard time since 2020 came through like a wrecking ball.

I have a couple of women that I can be extremely vulnerable with, but even so I struggled with admitting that I wondered if God loved me. I could admit that I was angry and bitter about the things that led me to questioning His love, but even that took a while. I wonder how much sooner this season of life could have been turned around if I had just been a little more open with my struggle. (Ha, there I go with “I wonder” again!)

It’s not the first time in my life that in finally opening up about what I’m struggling with that things have very quickly turned around. This is no doubt due to their prayers on my behalf, their encouragement, and the freedom I felt from just being honest. Galatians 6:2 says “ Carry one another’s burdens…” Sharing that load with another enables us to lighten the portion we carry.

Maybe you’re struggling today with an unanswered prayer, a feeling of abandonment, depression that just never seems to let up, or something else altogether. If you have that trusted person you can go to, do it! If you don’t yet have that person, open up honestly to God. Even if you do have that person, open up to God! I promise you He already knows how angry, bitter, hopeless, or discouraged you are. You will not surprise Him with the depth of your emotions. When there’s no one else that can help bear your burden, He can.

If you’re questioning His existence, His love, or His provision, ask Him to reveal himself to you in an undeniable way. I’ve done this. I’ve often told Him that I can be pretty dense sometimes and I need a flashing neon sign that I can’t possibly miss. He’s honored that in my life more than once. Sometimes He’s just waiting for us to admit our struggle to Him instead of thinking that somehow we can hide it. He already knows, so why not talk to Him about it?

In case you are wondering if I still wonder if God loves me – the quirky, sometimes annoying, chronic wonderer. (I just fit wonder in some form or another three times into one sentence! :-D) No-I don’t. He was loving me all along, but I took my eyes off of Him and I couldn’t see it. My eyes are firmly back on Him and I know. He loves me. No matter what!

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